i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
