girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
