Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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