Swine flu. Run for my life!
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
