it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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