So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize