shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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