They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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