My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
