i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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