i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
