Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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