you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I smell like Dick and happiness
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