btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
