I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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