I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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