My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
drinking out of a sandbucket again
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
