She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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