I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
