you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
