NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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