My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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