half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
