Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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