He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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