i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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