he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
