Having a random hookup so left but love u
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
