I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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