i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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