This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
