see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You took a bar mat shot.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
