I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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