I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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