me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
