remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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