Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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