Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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