woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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