i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He? As in you personified your dick?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
soo... how was my night?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
