idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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