If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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