Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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