i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
