I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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