I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
