would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
