i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
