When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize