Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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