My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
