anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
