Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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