I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
