she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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