Can Purell be used as lube?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
